"Crisis"

By Jim Myers 5/21/1993

I’m combining two stories of Jim’s, one is just a couple of paragraphs, but seems to fit with the longer piece. He didn’t title it, so I did the best I could. I think it fits….

As he climbs into the hotel elevator, bags in hand, he discovers the elevator is packed. He finds himself staring into the eyes of six female senior citizens. He pauses, smiles, and after a couple of seconds he addresses his fellow passengers.

“Ladies. I trust you have no intention of taking advantage of the situation.”

One lone voice replies. “Trust what you want!” The others laugh.

He’s reached a time in his life when walking is a joy in itself. Because he likes people in general, he has a smile and a nod for most. Sometimes they smile back. Sometimes, people stare with suspicion. He figures seeing the smiles is worth the price of suspicion.

On a summer day he passes a twelve-year old kid watering the lawn. When the kid sees him the man puts his hands up in a defensive gesture and jogs away backwards looking afraid. The kid laughs. The man laughs and walks.

As he walks, he thinks about the new direction his life has taken. For the first time he lives alone. The winter of ‘91 showed him how lonely a day could really be. Like the trees and the grass, he responded to spring. Air in his lungs, sun on his shoulders. His work helps.

Even when I’m not going anywhere I’m in a hurry. It’s all a part of the problem don’t you see. My life is chaos. A dwindling career in a dwindling industry in a dwindling economy. My wife’s lawyer doesn’t want to believe that I’m not making as much money as I formerly did. Oh! Did I forget to mention the collapse of a twenty-five year marriage? Oh certainly, that. The separation and divorce have dragged on now for, what is it, twenty months now? Has it been that long?

The kids aren’t kids anymore, and yet. When you have kids they remain your kids even after they sign up for social security. That’s part of the deal. If you’re a parent and you have kids, as long as you’re taking up some space and drawing in oxygen, they’re your kids. At the time of this writing the kids are twenty-five, twenty-three and twenty. If I’m still around twenty years from now my kids might be gray, but they’ll still be my kids. I hope I wasn’t too vague on this.

What I was going to say was that the kids have taken it all pretty hard. The whole thing confuses them and in trying to sort it all out they make poor judgments. If this happened it must be dad’s fault, but on the other hand, if that happened it must be mom’s fault. Laying blame. People do that. Young people especially. When you’re young you have a firm grasp on right and wrong and therefore can distinguish without the slightest hesitation black from white. As we grow older, more than just our hair becomes gray. If I had to lay blame I’d say to my wife I’ll take half if you will. Knowing her as I do, she’d probably say, “Why not?” If we were in court, things would go quite differently from both perspectives. In court or out of court, why must blame be left at either door? Our marriage lasted for a very long time and it is a tragedy that it did not go on for the rest of our lives. Why not leave it at that? Isn’t the tragedy in and of itself enough without the added burden of guilt?

Right now, one of my kids likes me and two do not. In baseball that would mean I’m two and one. In golf it would mean I’m playing par. In life, who knows? But, I don’t stop loving them. Speaking out loud I would say I don’t care, but in my heart I hope they don’t stop loving me. After all, they’re my kids.

Physically things have become a little troubling. I am a firm believer in the theory that stress does indeed manifest itself physically. I won’t go into detail other than to say my digestive system is on the fritz and at best is causing discomfort. I recently weaned myself off of a rather notorious anti-depressant and thankfully avoided the worst outcomes. Sleep is either elusive or all encompassing with ten and eleven hour sessions of heavy snoozing even when I’ve napped that very day.

The one thing I was finally able to see was my own selfcenteredness.

I’m totally aware that selfcenteredness is not a word. I’m not above making up words to make a point rather than browse through a thesaurus thank you very much.

I have been totally engrossed with my own unhappiness. To be self-absorbed by negativity is equivalent to being trapped in a maze that has no exit. Go where you may you keep bouncing off the same walls. If you stand still you can do nothing but suffer the depression, bear the loneliness, tolerate the despair. The only solace being the rule, it can only get better.

So it comes down to an individual in crisis.

All of us face this in life. Sooner or later each and every one of us is going to either fall ill, lose a loved one, go to jail, lose a fortune, or any one of a thousand other things that affect us emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Nobody but the brain dead get away. If you’ve tasted life’s grapes and found them sweet, rest assured that not only are you going to taste some sour grapes, but life is going to take a bite out of you and it’s going to hurt a lot. The real question is, how well are you going to bear up under the strain?

We have different ways of reacting to crisis. Some of us show a brave face and an armor free of kinks. The rest of us, just show up.